| Memories haunt my dreams of the events that occurred on December 31, 2004. Days later, my body shows no signs of what happened that night. Months later, I stop blaming myself. Almost two years later, fear continues to envelope me when I hear his name. Four simple letters force me to reminisce on every minor detail. To this day, my mother is still unaware of what happened on that New Years Eve. Occasionally she will mention that she truly believes something else happened on that night which I haven’t told her, but she has nothing to support this feeling.
The first time I met him, I was a freshman and he was a junior in high school. From the beginning, I never had a good feeling about him. By the end of freshman year, my best friend was dating him. I still did not like him but I figured I would just give it a try. After a lot of talking and manipulation on his part, I began to feel sorry for him and all that he had been through. Even after this, I had a bad gut feeling but I forced myself to be his friend. By then, the relationship my best friend had with him suddenly came to a halt and it was all over. She seemed fine with it but he, on the other hand, took it very hard. Again I felt sorry for him so I was there for him as much as possible and slowly began to confide in him. By the beginning of December, he was my most trusted friend.
My parents really loathed the idea of my best friend being a boy older than me but they had no say in it. Every time I wanted to go to the mall with him or go see a movie, they would not allow it in fear of him taking advantage of me. Most of all, I was not permitted to go to his house whether his parents were home or not. As New Years Eve approached, he told me he was throwing a party and he wanted me to come. At first I was not sure whether I wanted to go, let alone even be allowed to. He begged for days and days until finally I gave in just so he would leave me alone. After making proposition after proposition, I convinced my mom to give me permission to go over to his house for this party.
The instant my mom pulled into his driveway, I felt like I was going to be sick. As I reached for the handle, my mom stopped me and told me to be careful. She would be here at 12:30 on the dot unless I wanted to be home sooner. I assured her I had no interest in him beyond friendship and then she told me what she really feared. She could not understand why a senior would want to be friends with a sophomore unless he was looking for sex. Since this was the case, she believed this party was a set up and he was actually going to rape me. Shocked, I said he would not ever do that to me and there was really nothing to worry about. He was standing at the door waiting for me so I hurried out of the car and into his house.
Immediately, I noticed the complete silence and I felt even sicker than I did before in the car. There were no lights on in the house. The only light is what came from outside through the windows. I asked him where everyone else was and he just laughed. He led me down the stairs and into his room where candles were lit and music was playing. I stood in the doorway looking around his room and felt very confused. It did not occur to me what was happening until he pushed me on his bed and got on top of me. At this point, I was speechless. I thought about what my mom had said right before I got out of the car and I started to cry. He paid no attention to my tears. He just started touching me and kissing me despite my declines. The first time I asked him to stop, he did. I explained to him my virginity was very important to me and I was not ready to lose something so valuable at the age of only 15. I even told him I wanted to go home. The moment I finished, he came at me with more force than before. His strength overpowered me but I continued to struggle to get away from his grasp. The more I fought back, the angrier he became. He started hitting me and told me if I was truly his friend, I would not try to stop him. My body froze when he said those words. I could not believe fighting for my virginity made me a bad friend. I started to cry even more but he slapped me and told me he will give me something to cry about. When he said this, I started screaming and I frantically tried to get away but it was too late. He was holding my wrists above my head and he tied each arm to a bedpost. The more I pulled, the tighter the knots became until eventually, my wrists went numb. Everything happened so fast but I can remember it all so clearly. When he finally untied me, I sat on his bed and cried. I was lost in my thoughts of shame and guilt. I wondered how I could let him violate me that way while faintly hearing him demean me because of my morals. Finally 12:30 came and my mom was sitting in the driveway waiting for me. I walked to the car as casual as possible despite the aching of every muscle in my body. My cheeks were stained with tears and my skin grew dark with bruises but she never said a word.
In life today, the slightest reminder of him can bring me to tears. As I move forward, I force myself to move on and accept what happened was for the best. The biggest affect it has had on me is now I cannot trust anyone. I doubt every one and every thing, including my family and closest friends. Every time I am with a boy, I analyze his every move. Any instance of aggression I see, I am through with the relationship. No matter how accidental the occurrence might be, there will never be forgiveness. |
